This is in honor of Pride Month, for all of us celebrating the hard fought path that brought us here. Please enjoy, and take a moment to love yourself for who you are. Thank you for reading and for making V&E so dear to me.
-Sincerely,
AL
Elly woke up, partially due to thirst and partially due to the pain digging into her skin. She reached down to the strap of the garter belt that was twisted around her thigh and clumsily tried to undo it. Her frustration eventually awoke Vivian, the shifting movement of Elly’s attempts nearly hitting her in the hip. Vivian cracked open her eyes and watched Elly’s struggle.
“Would you like some assistance?”
“I think these things are strangling me,” Elly cracked, raising her thigh up from under the covers so that Vivian could reach it. Her deft hands quickly unsnapped the snug band and detached it from the stocking. Elly exhaled with relief, garnering a sleepy smile from Vivian.
“Roll over and I shall do the other one,” she instructed.
Elly pouted apologetically as she rolled over onto her stomach so that she could reach her other leg. “I didn’t mean to wake you up.”
“It is fine my love,” she hushed, kissing Elly’s cheek as she leaned down to undo the other strap, running a soothing hand over the indented skin on her thigh. The stimulating sensation was tempered by the sweet way Vivian had wrapped an arm around Elly’s waist, pulling her back around so she could face her.
For a long moment Elly gazed into the brown eyes and wondered how it was that Vivian looked at Elly the way she did, how it was that she loved another woman.
“When did you know that you…liked girls?” she asked quietly, inwardly cringing from her curiosity. “Can I ask that?”
Vivian gave her a surprised smile. “When did I know?” She gazed past Elly, thinking. “I was old enough to require all the accoutrements of a woman with as little information as possible from my mother.”
“My mom was like that too. Pretty much shoved a box of tampons in my hand and crossed herself,” Elly snarked.
Vivian chuckled softly, but her smile was tempered with sadness. “I was grateful she paid little attention to that aspect. Because it meant she did not see what it was that was changing inside of me.”
Elly scooted up on the sheets so she could be eye to eye with Vivian, and waited to hear more.
“There was a woman who worked at a restaurant that my parents always went to. A very nice place, the best dishes that even my grandmother couldn’t argue with their preparation. The woman was married to the man who owned the restaurant. She dressed in simple but beautiful clothes, her hair always done up and wearing make-up, but in just the way that only enhanced rather than overtake her beauty. She was always kind to me when I came in with my parents, making a point to ask me how I was doing in school. There was something in the way she moved that would catch my eye. A way that I found myself fixated on.”
Elly had been about to tell her that’s how she’d felt about Vivian when she continued.
“When I was old enough to be dealt the trappings of womanhood, I realized what it was that I felt when I watched her. So much so that I no longer wanted to go to the restaurant, fearing that my face would give away what I tried to conceal.”
When she finished her eyes glistened, taking in a deep breath when Elly reached for her hand under the covers and squeezed it. Elly said nothing as the memory faded from Vivian’s eyes, slowly coming back to the present with a smile as she gazed back at Elly.
“She must have been one foxy waitress to catch your eye,” Elly teased, successfully cracking Vivian up.
Elly let go of Vivian’s hand so that she could discreetly itch at the garter belt still hanging around her waist.
“How do you wear these all the time?” she scoffed with an itch.
“Practice,” she mused, brushing aside a stray hair off Elly’s forehead.
“Thank you for sharing that with me,” Elly stated, “I wish I could tell you something as meaningful from my uh, formative years.”
Vivian gazed at her, studying her face, her brown eyes looking deeply within Elly and bringing forth hidden emotions. Elly felt her chest ache with the happy realization of how much she loved Vivian, and for the first time in her life, felt equally loved back. Each day it grew stronger and deeper with each little detail they shared, from discovering that Vivian was terrified of the rats and mice that inhabited NYC whereas Elly thought they were kind of cute. Elly hated spiders, and Vivian was not as squeamish when it came to squashing them dead. These were the mundane details building up in her heart, surrounding their relationship with a solid foundation of knowledge for each other. But then Elly was quickly reminded that another part of their foundation was sharing this person with the other important people in your life.
“Hey, I’m going to go see my mom on my day off. I have a few errands to run that day and thought I’d japon porno go over to see her,” she stated, trying to seem casual about it.
“Where does she live?” Vivian asked with a pleasant smile.
“My parents are in Mott Haven. I just take the train and make it a day of it,” she replied. Vivian nodded serenely, not seeing where Elly was going with this announcement.
“I don’t see them that much, other than the long list of church holidays my mom is berserk for. I haven’t always kept them…updated on everything. I told them that I moved out and I’m not with Tony anymore,” Elly paused, taking in a deep breath, “but I haven’t told them about…us.”
Vivian’s face hardened, her eyes going past Elly. She sat in silence a moment, her eyes still not looking at Elly, her mouth pursed in thought.
“It’s not like you have to meet them or anything, and I sure as hell don’t need their blessing, but I want them to know because I’m happy. I’m really happy and that was what my parents said they always wanted for me. So I’m gonna tell them I’m gay. And I’m happy.”
Elly rambled it out as Vivian looked up at her with a slight smile, a sympathy in her brown eyes but a painful recognition.
“And I have a super nice apartment with my girlfriend,” she added, trying to get a laugh.
Vivian did smile a little more, bringing a hand up to Elly’s face. She sighed deeply, trying to seem hopeful.
“My brave little darling…I wish you luck.”
When the fateful day off came, Elly used the train ride over to the Bronx to gather her thoughts. In her head she played out how she would say it, then what her mom would say in response, and what Elly would say AFTER her response. She tried to give her mom the benefit of a doubt, she tried to be positive. But there were decades and decades of indoctrination and bigotry that came straight out of her sacred book. The one that her mom kept by her bedside and cherished as much as she did her living, breathing children.
Elly arrived at her modest childhood home that was an apartment tucked inside a four story building, the aging brick structure still filling Elly with a sense of low-income belonging. Here she felt like she fit in. Here she didn’t worry about the way she talked or how she dressed. However, today there was something that didn’t connect with the unwashed masses so easily. Today she felt like there was a little piece of her that had broken away from her hometown, and placed her on the outside.
Her mom answered the door looking exactly the same as she had for the past 25 years. Her light brown hair was still cut in the same chin-length pageboy haircut that she’d bestowed on her daughter, with a little barrette that she always wore over her right ear to hold back a section of the fine strands.
“Eleanor!” her mom exclaimed and pulled her in for a quick hug before she’d even let her in the apartment.
“Hey ma,” she replied with a squeeze to her mom’s plump shoulders.
“You’re still too skinny,” she hissed with a shake of her head, pulling away to look Elly over. “How much do you weigh now?”
“Ma, don’t worry about it, I’m fine,” Elly countered, coming into the little hallway where she’d piled up years of dirty shoes as a child.
“Well I just made some beef stroganoff for your father’s dinner and you can have some if you want. Or I have leftover lasagna from Sunday- we had Del and Linda next door over, their daughter is having a baby and they’ve been so busy helping her get ready. I’ve been knitting them a cute little blanket and it’s got…”
Her voice rambled on with peripheral information that didn’t have anything to do with Elly, but was a good distraction for the time being. She was following behind Elly as she walked into the small living room that still held the same 20 years old couch and her Dad’s Barcalounger. No one ever sat in his chair, leaving the well-worn dent from his body empty. Elly sat down on the couch and smiled up at her mom.
“…and Linda said little Bobby’s got to have more time to develop the baby’s lungs, but the doctors will just have to wait and see,” she finished with a dramatic exhale as if she was responsible for said mystery baby.
“How’s Dad?” Elly asked, trying to change subjects. “He still on swing shift?”
“Yes, and cranky as ever. He actually likes it though, gets to miss rush hour. But you’d never know it by his amount of complaining!” her mom said while heading over to the doorway to her other most sacred space- the kitchen. “You want some lasagna? Or I could make you a quick sandwich-“
Elly cut her off with a wave of her hand. “I’m fine Ma, I’m not hungry. I had a big breakfast this morning, you’d be proud of me. I made eggs benedict.”
She omitted the fact that she’d made the big breakfast for her AND her girlfriend
“With the sauce?” she asked.
“Yes, with the sauce. From scratch.”
Her mom smiled. “That’s the only way to make it. Do you want something to drink?”
“Uh, kızlık bozma porno no. I’m good.”
Elly wanted her mom to sit down and give her full attention to the very loaded subject she was about to bring up, but her mom never seemed to be able to sit still after years of being primed to take care of three rambunctious children.
“So, you know I filed for divorce from Tony?” she started once her mom took a seat on the small embroidered bench that had once belonged to a piano but was orphaned into extra seating for guests.
Her mom waved a hand in the air as if shushing away the dreaded male. “I know, Bobby told me you filed. It’s just so rotten, I can’t believe he’d treat you like that.”
An abridged story of Elly’s altercation had been shared with her older brother who Elly could always rely on to quickly share the information with her mother. Over the years she’d learned that Bobby’s gossip was a convenient way to divulge bad news by simply telling him and then he’d tell her mother, thereby sparing Elly some embarrassment.
“Neither did I,” Elly stated.
“You two were always so adorable together. You woulda made the cutest babies-“
“I know, I know,” Elly cut in. “But we’re better off apart. He gets the apartment and everything in it. And I get my freedom.”
For once her mom paused and stared into her face. “Are ya happy with that?”
“Yeah ma, I am,” she replied with a reassuring nod. “And I want to tell you about something else.”
“Do you need money for the filing? Bobby said sometimes there’s-“
Elly had to cut her off again. “No, no money is needed,” she tiredly sighed. “I want to tell you about where I live now. And who I live with.”
Her mom’s blue eyes widened, an excited twist of her mouth for some new gossip. “Oh?”
“Uh yeah. I live in Manhattan now, off east 73rd-“
Her mom’s eyes got even bigger. “In a sublet or-“
“A condo. But my name’s not on the lease. It belongs to my partner.”
She’d slipped that in there knowing her mom wasn’t savvy to the vernacular.
“Uh, mom” she paused feeling her throat go dry and her stomach churning, “I live…with a woman.”
“Oh that’s a great idea hon, save some money! I mean how’d you afford that without-“
“No, mom,” Elly had to cut in again, closing her eyes to center herself. “I live with my girlfriend.”
Her mom’s face fell, the excited mouth dropping open in shock. Elly knew she had to drive the last nail in, make it as clear as day for her.
“She’s MY girlfriend. We’re a couple.”
Her mom audibly gasped, the color draining out of her face. Her mouth closed and reopened, trying to formulate words and then closed again when unsuccessful.
“I wanted you to know that for the first time, I’m happy. I’m really, really happy,” she explained, feeling her stomach continue to twist as her mom’s face looked nothing short of horrified. “My life feels like…it feels like everything just…fits. She makes me really happy, and I know this is a huge shock, but it’s…my life.”
Her mom turned slightly on the bench, swallowing hard. “Hon, how did…” she paused, taking a breath, “how did you go from boys…to girls? I thought people were supposed to be…born gay, or whatever that song is by that Lady Goo-goo.”
Elly almost laughed at her misspoken cultural reference. “I don’t know mom. Sometimes this is just how it goes. You start in one place and you end up in another. People’s tastes change. I used to hate mayonnaise as a kid and now I love it.”
Her mom looked slightly repulsed by her food analogy. “I know, but hon-” she broke off, her eyes struggling to focus on Elly. “How are you gonna be? Like is this how you wanna be for the rest of your life?”
Elly nodded. “Yeah, probably.”
Her mom’s face lightened a bit, seeing hope that her only daughter was not going to be gay forever, but Elly knew she needed to be realistic with her.
“I love her, my girlfriend. Her name is Vivian, and she’s a photographer. A really good one. She’s kind of famous actually,” she bragged, smiling at herself when she heard the details aloud.
“Oh?” her mom listened, looking distractedly past Elly.
“Yeah, and she’s-” Elly paused, going all in for the shock factor now, feeling the need to purge all the things she didn’t want to be ashamed of, “from Iran originally but she’s lived here the past twenty years. She’s a little…older than me, but she’s the most incredible person. And she loves me.”
For some reason that seemed to send her mom over the edge when she suddenly stood up and put a trembling hand over her little gold cross necklace.
“Mom?”
Elly could see her on the verge of tears, and was feeling her own throat tighten.
“Mom-“
Her mom squeezed her eyes shut and started to cry quietly, bringing a hand up to cover her face. Elly got up and crossed over to her mom, trying to get her to look at her.
“Mom, please talk to me,” Elly pleaded softly.
Her köylü porno mom shook her head, sniffling back. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I’m just…” she broke off for a moment. “I just know it’s gonna be so hard for you.”
“What’s gonna be hard for me?”
“Everything,” she said, opening her eyes finally. “You’re gonna get kicked out of restaurants, or have people spit at you, and you can’t get a wedding cake without it being a federal case,” her mom rambled on tearfully.
Elly chuckled lightly. “The couple won that lawsuit, ma.”
“You know what I mean! It’s just gonna be harder for you to do all the things…you’ll wanna do. Like getting a home, or having kids…”
Elly let her keep that deluded fantasy for now. “I can still do those things mom. And it’s worth it for the person that makes me so happy that I can take the spitting and the kicking. Which for the record nobody has done to me. And we’ve ridden the subway together.”
“I know, but…you know what the church says about this. You know what you are to them. And that’s just…,” she broke off. “It’s not fair, but it’s God’s Law honey.”
Elly felt the twinge of anger, but redirected. “I’m sorry ma but I never cared about God’s law. All I care about is you and Dad.”
Her mom locked eyes with her, trying to wrench out a hard truth. “Eleanor, I love you. I’ll always love you. If you were a murderer on death row I’m gonna always love you. But it’s just hard. It’s hard to see you be something that’s gonna get looked down on.”
“I’m not a murderer, but thank you. And I’m always gonna love you and dad. If you look down on me that’s what’s gonna hurt. I don’t care about everybody else’s opinion.”
Her mom’s tears subsided a bit. “You sure about this honey? Is this what you really want?”
Elly nodded, the tears now in her eyes. “Yes, 100% sure.”
Her mom’s mouth wrinkled up in parental skepticism, but her eyes went over Elly with an affectionate pause as she reached out to sweep aside Elly’s bangs.
“Ok hon. Ok.”
Elly leaned in to hug her mom, crying happily that her mom hadn’t said any of the things she’d dreaded. Her mom gave her a loving pat on the back when she pulled away.
“You know this is gonna make your father flip, though. You know that, right?” her mom warned.
“I know. But he’ll get over it. Just like he did when I pierced my ears or dyed my hair. Or married Tony.”
“He did hate that poor boy,” she chuckled, wiping her eyes dry. “But promise me you’ll tell me how you’re doin’, ok? I know I’m not hip enough to be living on Park Avenue, but I’m still gonna love you. Even if I don’t always get it.”
Elly had to lean in for another hug. “You get me. That’s all you need.”
When the intensity of their conversation had waned, Elly finally succumbed to her mother’s food offerings and ate a serving of the much lauded lasagna. She left with a reusable grocery bag full of leftovers from her mom, only getting away with what she could carry.
The ride home passed by with a lightness Elly hadn’t felt in a long time. She felt like it was easier to breathe, like her chest was finally clear of some unseen weight. She’d finally said the things out loud and let it be a truth that she hadn’t just felt but admitted. A truth that made Vivian something even more prized and real in her life.
********
After her Bronx visit to see her mom, Elly went back to the whirlwind of school and work. It had been a long week without much interaction between Elly and Vivian. Elly’s classes were nearing the end of the term, requiring more study and preparation for her upcoming finals. Vivian seemed just as busy, with her shoots going later into the evening. It was a Wednesday night when Elly was coming back from her class at almost 9pm to find Vivian just shutting down her studio, looking exhausted.
Elly made them both a quick dinner of pasta with olive oil and parmesan cheese, letting them eat in subdued silence as Vivian occasionally clicked something on her smartphone while Elly did the same. Vivian rarely did such a thing, apologizing to Elly that she’d ignored her phone while finishing up her last shoot and needed to catch up on communication for the upcoming work she’d scheduled.
An innocuous boy from one of her classes named Gabe had texted Elly to ask a question about their homework, something he was doing more regularly now. Elly had not said she was in a relationship, feeling it had been unnecessary up until that point when his goofy nature seemed unable of flirting in a way that she felt was a come-on. But as Gabe texted her more frequently, she worried that now she would need to make some statement to clarify her status and in turn crush his burgeoning confidence with the opposite sex.
She was chuckling quietly at a meme he’d subsequently texted of a person sitting in a school desk passed out with their face planted on an open text book, when Vivian suddenly looked up from her phone.
“What is so funny?” she asked.
“Oh just this meme one of my classmates, Gabe, sent me,” Elly replied, turning her phone around to show it to her.
Vivian smiled weakly. “Cute.”
Elly slid her phone back around and swiped out of the text message to go back to the article she’d been reading in her phone’s browser.