Absence of Thought


Thanks to all those who commented on my last story. Any further feedback would be greatly appreciated.

And, as always, all characters are over 18 and fictional. If that makes any sense…


I was sitting in the school library when she approached me. I was sitting near the back, where the obscure law books were kept. Not that I actually care about obscure law, but it was the quietest place. And quiet compared to the rest of a library is like sitting in a vacuum. It was the breaking of this much sought after silence that alerted me of her approach.

I looked up from my book briefly.

I looked back down. I wasn’t interested in her.

She walked with an intentionally seductive manner, the click of her heels emphasised by the surrounding quiet. Dressed as always in brightly coloured clothes, to draw attention to herself. A tight orange T-shirt and cream jacket parted just over her chest to draw eyes to her large yet perky breasts. A short skirt cut a little to far above the knee to be “proper”, designed to show off her smooth, tanned legs. Naturally tanned, I was somewhat surprised to see. Too many of the girls similar to her had decided to go for the ‘cheap orange paint’ style when it came to fake tanning recently. Girls similar to her, of course, meaning Bimbos. She was clearly a Bimbo, through and through, right to the wide eyed ignorance, the stark red lips and the radiant blond hair.

But I’m not one to judge a book solely on its cover. She was in a few of my classes. Suzie, she was called. She never knew the answer when asked, talked incessantly to her friends during lessons, and was always bottom or occasionally middle of the class when it came to test scores.

Like I said, I wasn’t interested.

I had assumed correctly that her target was me, and not the books surrounding me. Her entire outward appearance suggest that she couldn’t even read.

Yes, I was critical, but not rude. I wasn’t going outright to ignore her.

“Um, hi” she stated with a wide smile on her face.

I looked up again and placed my book face down on the table I was sitting at.

“Hello.” I said back

“You’re Toby right?” she asked, almost…nervously? Maybe it was because she wasn’t surrounded by her usual gaggle of “Gal Pals”.

“It’s Tobias actually, and you’re Suzie.” I said.

“Right, I’m in your Science classes ” she said firmly.

Interesting, referring to the class as “mine”, as opposed to me being in “her” class.

” Um…I was wondering if you could like…help me out? With like…a problem I’ve been having…?”

The raised tone at the end of each sentence could have been a mockery of herself, it was so cliché.

I leaned back and sighed.

“Well, why don’t you tell me about it and I’ll see what I can do.”

I gestured to the chair in front of me and she sat gingerly, folding her arms on the surface in front of her. My guess was her problem was something academic.

“I was wondering if you could like… tutor me? I’ve been having some problems….” she trailed off.

Hardly rocket science, figuring that one out. What else would it be?

I mimicked her stance and folded my arms.

“With what?” I asked bluntly.

“Uhh…Chemistry?” she…asked? Was it a question or just that annoying habit?

I didn’t say anything, just continued looking at her. She moved an imaginary lock of hair out from her face and sat back slightly. Definitely nervous…

“I mean, I could pay you! If that’s…what you want…” she trailed off when I didn’t react.

Hmm… I didn’t exactly need money, but a little extra couldn’t hurt. I considered it for a few seconds, then made an impulse decision. Something which, if you hadn’t already guessed from the tone of the narrative, was quite rare for me.

“I don’t need money. Come by my house tonight and we’ll go over what you’re having problems with.” I said.

I turned back to my book before I could see her reaction. I was still kind of thinking the offer through, almost not realising I’d already made the decision.

“Um.. sure. I’ll swing by tonight. Around seven-ish? ” she asked

“Sure” was all I replied.

It wasn’t until she left that I wondered if she actually knew where I lived. I then realised that I hadn’t looked up from my book as she left. That was unintentionally rude of me. But still, I was doing her a favour…

Which begs the question, why? I didn’t really know at the time, but something about her interested me. No-one could be that stereotypical, surely…


I was in the kitchen when I heard her knock the door. She even knocked like a Bimbo, although I’m not really sure what that means. Probably just bias…

My older sister Beth had already answered the door when I left the kitchen. Her back was to me, and she and the door were blocking my view Suzie, so I just stood and listened.

“Umm…Hello? I’m here to see Toby?” came Suzie’s soft voice.

“Tobias? Really? But…why?” answered Beth,

…thanks sis.

“He’s gonna Ataköy escort like…tutor me?” Suzie trailed off

“Ah, that makes much more sense!” said Beth

Seriously, my head’s gonna swell…

She stepped back to let her past, while turning her head to shout for me.

“TOB…!” she started

“Thanks Sis, I got this.” I interrupted.

“Jeez, don’t sneak up on me like that!” she said hitting me lightly on the shoulder. She didn’t leave though.

I ignored her and moved in front of the door. Suzie was wearing different clothes, not just new, but… different. More subtle. In fact, her outfit on the whole hadn’t changed, just the colour of it. More subdued…

“Uh, hi Toby.”

“It’s Tobias,” I corrected. I stood back from the door. “Come in.”

“Uh, thanks…” she looked around nervously.

Without saying anything, I made towards the stairs. I heard her stammer something to my sister before following me. She ran up the first few steps, then slowed to match my pace. I opened the door to my bedroom and held it open for her. She walked in and I closed it behind her.

“Uh…your room’s…nice…” she trailed off.

I almost smiled at her vague attempt at social niceties. Blank. That’s what my room was. No posters, no little toys, just beige walls, a white bathroom door and a small bookshelf above my clean laptop desk. Aside from my bed, obviously.

I didn’t comment on her attempted compliment, just saying,

“Have a seat.”

I walked over to my desk to lift my backpack, then sat down myself. Out of the two places to sit, she’d chosen my bed, as opposed to the swivel chair opposite. A submissive act, not taking the higher seat, but expected as she was in someone else’s room.

She was still looking nervously around when I sat down.

“So, what was it you were having trouble with?” I asked.

Her eyes flicked to the left as she answered, “Uh…chemistry?”

“Well, what specifically?” I probed.

-Flick to the left-

“Um…just general uh…Atomic Theory?”

“But…that’s just facts, you don’t need tutoring for that.” I said. Something was up.

“Well, not just that, but like…,”

-Flick to the left –

“Uh…Math too…”

Math? She hadn’t even brought books with her…

Let me explain the seemingly pointless ocular commentary.

When a right handed person is using the creative part of the brain, rather than the memory based part, they look to the left. In other words, they’ll quickly look to the left when making something up. It’s the opposite for “lefties” but she was definitely right handed.

I stood up and walked over to the window. I sighed.

“Suzie, why are you lying?” I asked.

“I…I’m not-“

“What do you want?” I asked, cutting her off.

I turned around to face her. She had stood up and was blushing deeply.

“Look,” she said, “I don’t really need tutored. I came here to tell you something…”

“Well?” I asked sharply. This was annoying. I had never been fully sure that she hadn’t been lying, but it still pissed me off slightly to hear that she was basically wasting my time.

“I…it’s just that…” she trailed off and looked down, breaking eye contact.

“Could you just sit down please?” she asked

I shrugged slightly and sat down at the top of my bed.

“Well?” I asked

She inhaled deeply. “OK…recently… I’ve been…like…watching you.”

I didn’t react to this vague statement, so she continued.

“It’s more like…I’ve been noticing you. It was just…little things you did that kept catching my eye, like… but anyway, before long I couldn’t stop thinking about you. And it didn’t take me long to realise that I had feelings for you.”

There was a long pause.

” Strong feelings. In fact, I think I could go so far as to say that I… I love…you… That’s why I’m here, just to tell you…that…” she trailed off. She looked up at me with wide eyes.

I had let her finish uninterrupted because I was curious, but now I was just irritated again. I stood and walked across the room. Facing the window I let out a small sigh.

“You should probably just leave” I said.

“Wh…what?” she asked

“You heard me. Get out.” I said firmly

“But…I mean…” she was silent for a few seconds.

“No.” she said simply.

I turned to her locking eyes with her and stared her down. She almost physically flinched under the intensity of my gaze.

“Leave.” I repeated.

“No…” she said again. “No, you can’t just…I mean, you haven’t even considered…” she trailed off again. She seemed to think for a few seconds before standing up slowly, and moving slightly towards the door. I turned back to the window.

When she didn’t leave, I didn’t react. I just waited.

“Toby” she called in a sing song voice.

“It’s Tobi-“

I turned, not expecting the sight before me. Her t-shirt was lying on the floor and her hands were behind her back. Keeping the same intense expression on her face, she slowly Ataköy escort bayan removed her bra, revealing her smooth body to me. Her tanned breasts stood out proudly from her chest, untouched by gravity, full and round capped with large, light pink nipples. They moved gently with her steps as she walked towards me, to and fro. She splayed her hands against my chest, and slowly began to move her hands down.

By this point I was furious.

I grabbed her arms and pulled them away.

“Suzie, what the hell? I told you to-“

She cut in,

“I’m not going anywhere sweetie.” She grabbed the hem of my shirt and pulled it up.

“Suzie, stop! Get the hell off!” I said

I grabbed her by the shoulders and pushed her back from my slightly. She pushed back, pressing her body against mine and reaching around my shirt again. I pushed her back again, towards the bed, as she desperately clawed at my clothes. Her legs hit the bed and she fell back against it, and me with her. She struggled her arms against my weight, still trying to get at my top. I pulled her arms up above her head and moved upwards, so I was straddling her stomach, pinning her down with my body. Our faces were only inches apart and she quickly jumped her head forward and brushed her soft lips against mine.

She moved back as if to see my reaction. There wasn’t one.

Suddenly, I couldn’t think.

She moved forward again, and sucked my bottom lip in between hers while sliding her tongue gently into my mouth. I held the kiss for a few seconds before my thoughts returned and I pulled back sharply. I jumped quickly off her.

“Suzie g-, get the hell out of my room.” I chocked out, turning away.

She sat up. Without saying a word, she picked up her t-shirt and practically ran from the room.

About 40 seconds later my sister came tramping up the stairs.

“Tobias, what the hell?” she shouted, bursting in though the recently slammed door. “Why did your “student” just run out of here practically crying? What did you do to her?”

“Calm down Beth, she just got stuck on a problem and got a little emotional.” I said evenly.

“Well…maybe you should try to be a better tutor.” She said.

Not if I can help it, I thought. Who did she think she was? She can just walk in to my room, whip her top off and I’d be all over her? Stuck up bitch…


I was in the library again. Tuesdays were always even more empty, so I was annoyed as well as surprised to see Suzie’s second approach. And I did see her, this time, rather than hear her, as her heels had been replaced with a pair of purple Converse All Stars. The rest of her clothes were equally vibrant, and it was this flash of colour in my peripheral vision that caught my attention.

I put down my book and watched as she sat hesitantly in front of me.

“Um…hi Toby.” She said

“Tobias.” I corrected

“Right…um…” she trailed off.

“Did you want something? Or you just wasting my time again?” I interrupted

“Look, I’m sorry, but I can’t help the way I feel!” she blurted out, exasperated.

God, she sounded she was quoting some bad love song.

“Look,” I countered, “I don’t know exactly what this is, but I’m not buying it. Just leave me alone.”

I watched her. I couldn’t read her expression. She seemed…stunned.

“You’re not…buying it? You mean you don’t…believe me?” she asked slowly

“No, so you can just leave now, before you waste either of our times any more.” I said.

Either of our times, what was that bad grammar? I thought.

She laughed suddenly. One sharp chirp of laughter, then she was talking again.

“You don’t believe me? No, of course you don’t. I thought you didn’t like me, I had no idea why you wouldn’t even… but you don’t believe that I… I love you? That I haven’t spent every waking minute thinking about you? That I don’t watch you every chance I get?”

She pulled her fingers through her hair, subconsciously comforting herself. She took a deep breath and continued.

“Because I do! And I have! And I know what I did yesterday in your room was…stupid and…immature, but I was desperate. Do you know how hard it was for me to work up the courage to even approach you? And you didn’t even…”

“But that’s OK, because now I can prove it to you.” She looked very pleased with herself. Triumphant, even.

“Prove it to me?” I repeated, somewhat dumbly. I was a little taken aback by her sudden outburst.

“Yes. I’ll do anything you ask. Anything” she said smiling

“You’re serious about this? You want me to give you a…a task? A challenge? To prove that you really…love me?”

“Anything.” She repeated.

I sighed. The only way this was going to end was if I tested her. There were a hundred things I could think of asking her to do. But if this was somehow a…a bet or something…well, she seemed ambitious, especially after yesterday’s embarrassment…  

I mean, from my actions, I could have been gay for all she escort Ataköy knew. Why was she so persistent?


“Hmm… you probably wouldn’t have any problem doing something sexual, as you proved yesterday…” I finally said.

This statement was meant to insult her, but she just reddened slightly, and continued smiling.

“OK. If you really “love” me, tell me something you’ve “noticed” about me. If you really have been “watching me”, prove it.” I sat back and waited.

Just to clarify, the “quotation marks” were in my head, I wasn’t acting them out.

She looked to the right. Memory side of the brain. She answered quickly.

“Well…the first thing I noticed about you was how you walked… it’s like, sort of…”

I waited.

“Submissive.” She finished

Wow. I never expected a word that intelligent sounding to come out of those cherry red lips.

“I mean, hunched over, albeit slightly, and hands in pockets? Classic for a guy your age, but not nearly as bad as some of the others around here. Nothing special. But it was what I saw next that intrigued me. When you came near Brad Carmichael…” she trailed off.

Huh. Brad Carmichael. Living proof that, not only did we evolve from apes, but some of us didn’t make it all the way.

“You changed.” She continued, lost in thought. “You straightened up, took your hands out of your pockets. You walked with that kind of…swagger. Completely filled with confidence. It keeps Them away from you.”

I knew what she meant when she emphasised “Them”. Ass-holes, bullies, mostly jocks. Brad’s “crew”.

“They’re a little afraid of you. You don’t talk to anyone much, and when they see you like that, they see your confidence, and they keep away from you.”

She looked into my eyes again.

“That was the first thing.” She said

I thought. I was trying to keep calm, but I was a little freaked out. She’d never sounded this smart before, and she’d had plenty of opportunity, what with every male teacher practically drooling over her, asking her questions just for an excuse to look at her. Although that was pretty common at my school… A lot of “hot” girls, and a lot of perverted teachers.

… and how had she figured out my defence?

“Ok, you noticed one thing. That means nothing.” I said.

A flash of irritation passed her face, before she smiled again.

“I can see you’re not going to make this easy for me” she said cheerily. “Good, that way you’ll really believe me when I convince you.” She finished

She stood up.

“I’ll talk to you tomorrow, ok Toby?” she said walking away

“Tobias!” I called back.


I thought about her that night. How could I not? What she was saying…it didn’t make any sense. How could someone like that, like her, be in love, or even like, someone like me? We were…different.

And I don’t mean in terms of intelligence, which I was starting to doubt, or even looks, but…socially. I was…Lesser. That’s all.

She’d left her bra here, from before. I’d hidden it under my bed. To hard to explain if it was found, and I couldn’t exactly just hand it to her at school.

Yeah, that’s a good enough reason…


Wednesday. Library. Lunchtime. You get it. Her clothes were different again today, more like how she’d dressed on Monday evening. Subdued colours.

“Afternoon Toby.” She smiled

“Tobias.” I corrected, “If you’re gonna say you love a guy, you could at least get his name right.”

She just continued smiling, as if she knew something I didn’t.

“So you believe me then?” she asked

“I didn’t say that.” I replied

“Right.” She looked away for a second.

“So, I’ve got something else to tell you about.” She said

“Oh, do tell.” I mocked

She rolled her eyes.

“How you look at girls.” She said simply

I raised one eyebrow.

“Ah, that got your attention, didn’t it? Well, you never look at girls, plural. Always one. And she’s always different.” She continued, staring away from me.

“You just pick a girl, at random, I think, and stare at her. No, more like…analyse her. Sometimes it takes a few days, sometimes it takes a few minutes, but it always happens. Your “Judgement”. Just that look you get. You look and look for that one thing, that flaw. A stupid laugh, an annoying habit. Sometimes it obvious, sometimes it isn’t… but you always find it. That flash of…I don’t know, disgust? Revulsion? It’s that ultimate look, that means you’ve finished even considering the girl. She’s been completely separated from you, forever, and she’ll never even know…”

She stopped.

It was the longest speech I’d ever heard from her, and it was completely…right! How had she seen this? In the few extra minutes between lessons, she’d completely broken down my process. I’d never even really thought about it until now, it was just sort of natural…

What did this mean?

“So? I bet you didn’t see that one coming.” She smiled

“No…that was…unexpected, to say the least…” I looked at her.

“So what’s your conclusion to this little test?” she asked, with challenge in her voice.

I sat back.

“I think that…I believe you… to a certain extent!” I added quickly, seeing her face light up.

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