“Jay! Great!” Ellie grabbed my arm. “You can ride for free – it’s quiet today. Gary’s going to finish his shift, and then we can go eat together or something.”
She marched me towards one of the cabins of the ferris wheel. I’d just walked the whole way from the parking lot facing into the setting sun, so my eyes hadn’t yet adjusted to the shadows around the base of the wheel. I blindly let Ellie lead me, and she popped open the door of the cabin, and shoved me inside.
“Oh, God,” a girl’s voice said as I sat down.
I looked up and it was Jessica, with the same shocked expression on her face as the last time I’d seen her. But she had no way to get away this time – and neither did I. My head snapped towards Ellie, who grinned, shrugged, and shut the door. On the other side of the glass, she danced away quickly, and the cabin shuddered into motion.
After a few seconds, I let out a nervous laugh. “Hey Jess. Come here often?”
She shook her head, and I thought I saw the corners of her lips twitch up. “No. Gary’s only just got this job. I’ve been hanging around with Ellie today.”
“She clearly has plans again.”
“Yeah…” She tugged nervously at her hair. “She thinks I need to talk to you.”
“Why?”
“About Eric.”
It was the last name in the world I needed to hear right now. I still felt so guilty about how it had ended. The way he’d looked at me before I left. “I wish Ellie would leave things alone, sometimes.”
Jess shook her head. “No, she’s right. I owe you an apology.”
“For the kissing thing on your birthday?”
“No.” She winced. “Or, yeah, actually. For that too. I guess I haven’t apologised for that either.”
“No.”
“Well, I am sorry for that.” She looked up at me. “Really sorry.”
“Uh, okay.” I shrugged. It didn’t seem to matter so much now.
“But also about what happened with Eric at that camp. The one right before you guys broke up.”
“Why would you apologise to me for that? I thought you’d want to apologise to him.”
“To-” She jerked back, and narrowed her eyes at me. “Why would I apologise to Eric?”
“You told his dad he was seeing a guy. You outed him.” My mouth dropped. “Holy shit, you get why that’s wrong, don’t you?”
“Okay, first of all, that was years ago.” She crossed her arms. “And I didn’t tell his dad, I told my camp counselor that – in confidence – and she was the one who gossiped with his dad about it. Plus, I did apologise for that. Also years ago.”
I frowned. “That’s not… Jess, this last camp? Didn’t you tell his dad?”
“No! Did he tell you I did?”
“I…” I tilted my head. “He said he thought you had. Why else would his dad have come down on him the way he did?”
Her face went pale, and she glanced away. She took a deep breath, and looked back at me. “Did he… tell you anything else? About that camp?”
“No.” I frowned. “Something about some guys trying to persuade him to be more… Christian. Or something. But other than that, no.”
She closed her eyes, and exhaled. “Oh god. You’re going to fucking hate me.”
“What?”
She looked up, and fixed me with her gaze. “Jay… Eric and I… at that camp… We kind of hooked up.”
I barked out a laugh, causing her to flinch slightly. I felt a brief surge of rage at Eric, but it was quickly washed away by indifference, and an almost bitter sense of amusement. Of course. Of course he’d done that. Every time I felt the slightest sympathy for him, it turned out I was wrong. I’d been feeling guilty for breaking his heart again, and he’d done this.
“He…” She cleared her throat. “He didn’t tell you?”
I shook my head, and kept quiet.
“I’m really sorry.”
I inhaled slowly. “So… what happened, then?”
She cleared her throat. “He um… had wine. So he asked me to come back to his cabin, and we drank a lot, and then I kissed him again.” She winced. “Sorry.”
“It’s fine, Jess.”
“It really isn’t though. And we didn’t stop there.”
“Ah. So did you-“
“Not… really.” She grimaced.
I raised my eyebrows. “What does that mean?”
She shifted in her seat. “We um… got naked and everything. Started touching each other and… stuff. And then he…” She looked away. “He couldn’t get hard.”
I don’t know why, but I burst out laughing. It just felt perfectly ridiculous. Not only had Eric not told me that he’d actively cheated on me right before he broke up with me, but his fling with Jess had probably led to him feeling like he wasn’t as into girls as much as he’d always thought. Which was probably what had driven him to his crisis point.
I couldn’t quite figure out why his dad had intervened, but the whole thing seemed ridiculous. Jess seemed to have caught my laughter, and the two of us sat there, slowly moving on from breathless guffawing to weak chuckles. I wiped a tear from my eye. “Sorry. That might be inappropriate.”
She grinned, and shrugged. “What’s appropriate, right?”
“Yeah…” I nodded, still smiling.
“I am really sorry, though.”
“It’s fine, Jess.”
She groaned. “It’s istanbul travesti just… I feel like such a shitty person. It was all fun and games for me when I thought you were some straight guy Eric had a crush on – he’d done that a few times. But then when you two started dating… It pissed me off. And I tried to ignore it, because I had Frank. But then we broke up, and I just… it sucks to watch someone you used to feel that way about be happy with someone else.”
“Yeah, I know the feeling.” My mind went to Eric and Nick. Even him dating Nick hadn’t made me want him again, but there was something about it that had made me feel wistful. I’d been wondering the whole time what things might have been like if we’d never broken up in the first place. Now, that seemed like a much less pleasant thought.
“And then I saw you guys kissing – that day, in the water, at Louis’ birthday party.” She sighed. “I never saw him with Louis… God, there’s another person I should apologise to.”
“Why? What’d you do to Louis?” I frowned.
She shook her head. “I was just kind of dick to him after I found out about them, and I didn’t really stop. Then I had the chance to be nice to him for one damn day at his party, but Frank dumped me, and I saw you and Eric… I just wasn’t feeling great. And then things went to shit so quickly after that, he probably still thinks I hate him.”
“Yeah, you should probably tell him. Louis, of all people, won’t hold it against you.”
“Yeah, he’s like that.” She sighed. “Kind of makes me feel even worse.”
I grinned. “I know what you mean.”
“I’ve just been a mess ever since things fell apart with Eric, and I’ve just gone around being a dick to the wrong people.”
“I’m sorry.” I smiled sympathetically.
She laughed. “For what?”
“Just about how you feel. About being part of that, I guess.”
She shook her head. “It’s not really your fault, is it? Eric’s the one who’s been fucking with my feelings.”
“Yeah, he does that.”
She rubbed her temple. “I can’t believe he didn’t tell you about what we did.”
“It doesn’t matter.” I sighed. “I wasn’t planning on getting back together with him anyway.”
“Good move.”
“But thanks for telling me. I think it helps that I know.”
“Sure.” She bit her lip.
“What?”
“Sorry. I’m still just a little shocked you’re not shouting at me.”
I grinned. “I’ve made some bad choices myself, lately.”
She laughed. “I bet I have you beat.”
“Oh, really?” I didn’t really want to tell her about the thing with Eric. I hadn’t even managed to tell Ellie yet.
“Yeah.” She crossed her arms triumphantly. “Frank’s gay.”
“What?” I stifled a chuckle. Oh god, poor Jess. That was a terrible track record.
“Apparently I’m some sort of magnet.” She scrunched up her face. “But at least I wasn’t as hung up on him as I was on Eric. We’re kind of friends now. I needed someone to hang out with once Eric ditched me, and Gary’s busy with Ellie half the time these days.”
“I’m glad you have a friend.”
“Me too.” She rubbed her arm, and smiled. “So do we hug, or…”
I laughed. “No, we can’t let Ellie see that. I want to pretend I’m mad at her when she lets us out.”
“Good idea.” She grinned. “I’m on board.”
Ellie was too good at reading me, though. By the time we’d gotten out, it was clear that Jess and I weren’t uncomfortable any more. We went to dinner at a nearby restaurant, and I got to know Gary a bit better. He was a very quiet guy, very willing to let Ellie take the spotlight. Which was probably all she needed in life.
Jess ribbed her cousin about how sappy and romantic he was with Ellie, and I quietly contemplated my situation. I couldn’t feel guilty about how Eric had looked at me when I left him. Not after what Jess had told me. But it was still hard to get his face out of my mind. And then there was Nick to consider. I just didn’t see any way this could end well for him.
But what Jess had given me, at least, was something else to think about. I’d been wondering if there was anything I could have done differently after Eric got back from camp, to keep us from getting into this mess. But now I knew that even that wouldn’t have been ideal. It was at least enough of a way out that I was able to enjoy my evening with the three of them. When we finished, Gary and Jess headed off together, and Ellie came with me to my car.
She twirled on the pavement, giving me an elated grin. “Gary’s great, isn’t he?”
“Yeah.” I nodded. “He’s very nice.”
“And Jess isn’t the monster we thought, is she?”
“Yeah.” I sighed.
“That sounds grim.” She raised her eyebrows at me, but I didn’t reply for a while. For once, she seemed content to just wait for me to speak.
We got to the car and drove out of the parking lot in relative silence. When we reached the first traffic light on the way home, I turned to face her. “I need to tell you something.”
“I hope it’s scandalous.” She grinned across at me. “I’m already having such a wonderful day.”
“Yeah.” I grimaced. istanbul travestileri “About that…”
“I’m having the best life.” She laughed. “Well, go on.”
I started to tell her – slowly, haltingly – about the mess I’d gotten myself into
***
Telling Ellie helped me shake off the last of the awful feelings I’d been nursing about things with Eric and Nick. She still thought I should have told Louis, but I just couldn’t, and eventually she stopped prodding me about it.
I spent days dreading a message or a phone call from Eric, and I was so relieved every time Louis messaged me, because it meant Eric still hadn’t said anything. Even though I felt guilty every time for not having told him.
When something did finally happen on that front, I was surprised to see that the message wasn’t from Eric. It was from Nick.
[You fucking bastard!]
Blocked.
Shit. I wondered if Eric had told him about what he’d said. I assumed Nick wasn’t mad about me fooling around with Eric – that would be a little weird and hypocritical. But if Eric had broken up with him, and told him it was about me, his reaction made more sense. A few minutes later, I got a message from Louis.
[Are you okay?]
______________[Has something happened?]
[Have you talked to Eric?]
[Or, I suppose, tried to?]
______________[No. Is he okay?]
[I think his dad’s back in town again.]
______________[OH.]
Right. Okay, that partially explained the Nick message. So Eric had shut down again. I wondered for a second if his dad was really back. Or if I was the one that had done this. Fuck. I needed to talk to Ellie, but I knew she was going to be with Gary again today. And I couldn’t just ignore Louis, who was still messaging me.
[Should we talk to Nick?]
My immediate thought was to tell him he wasn’t responsible to pick up the pieces every time Eric fucked up. But then I remembered that this could very easily be my fault, and I just felt very guilty.
______________[I can’t.]
______________[He’s blocked me.]
[Oh, that’s weird. Why?]
______________[There are some things I haven’t told you yet.]
[Oh, okay.]
[You can tell me later, if you want.]
[I’m going to try talking to him.]
It didn’t take long at all until I got another message from Nick. I’d clearly been unblocked, and it didn’t seem like he was angry any more.
[Sorry, I might have overreacted]
______________[It’s okay.]
______________[Are you okay?]
[No]
[Louis’ taking me out for coffee]
[Can you come?]
[Please]
______________[Yeah, okay.]
He told me where, and I messaged Louis.
______________[So apparently I’m invited to coffee]
______________[Is that okay?]
[Yeah!]
[Please don’t make me go with him alone.]
______________[I don’t know why you even offered in the first place.]
______________[Do you want a ride?]
[Yes please.]
I swung by Louis’ place to pick him up. I tried to convince myself on the way there that this was something with Eric’s dad again, or that he’d just not told Nick anything. It didn’t really work, and I was still mildly anxious when Louis climbed into my car.
“We have to backtrack a bit. He wants to be picked up too.” He grimaced. “Sorry, I didn’t offer, but I mentioned you were on your way to get me and he just… signed up.”
“It’s fine.” I shook my head. “I feel like he’s taking this better than I did.”
“Yeah,” Louis laughed. “Better than I did too.”
I frowned. “I can’t really be friends with Eric after this, you know.”
“Yeah.” He sighed deeply. “I’m so sorry.”
“For what?”
“For giving him a third chance.” He blushed. “It killed me that he had done the same thing to you, but he was so torn up about it afterward that I really thought… I don’t know. I just kind of bet he wouldn’t be doing this again, and I lost. It’s honestly kind of ridiculous.”
“I think I get it. He’s been your friend forever, and you didn’t want to ruin your last days of high school.”
“Something like that.” He settled back in his seat, and stared out the window. “I also felt like if I was shitty about it after he came back to his senses, you guys might not get back together, and that maybe I was being-” He shook his head. “Never mind. I feel so stupid. Melissa and John were right, this whole time. I tried to be like this noble ideal of a friend, and he just…”
“It’s fucked up.”
“Yeah.” He sighed again. “Sorry.”
“Don’t apologise to me.” I felt a pang of guilt. This could all still be because of me. “I’ve fucked up worse.”
“A little hard to believe.” He grinned ruefully, which faded when he saw the look on my face. “You want to talk about it?”
“I don’t know. It’s a little fucking embarrassing.” I gritted my teeth. I should have just told him right away, when it had happened. But I hadn’t wanted to bug him right after how upset he’d seemed that night, and then I’d had time to start feeling ashamed about it.
“You can tell me you know. travesti istanbul I promise I won’t judge you.”
“Yeah, I know.” I took a deep breath. “But we’re almost at Nick’s. I’ll tell you later.”
“Okay.”
***
Nick fluctuated between seeming ‘completely fine’ and ‘absolutely falling apart’. Sometimes he seemed cheerful and talkative, but then he kept going off on minor rants about all of Eric’s flaws – the religion thing, the pop culture judgements, the way he’d never just talk about anything personal.
I could tell Louis still felt really guilty, and every time I saw him trying extra hard to be nice to Nick, I almost wanted to grab him and tell him and shake him. Maybe tell him that this was all my fault, not his. So I tried to wrap it up quickly, seizing on a few lulls in the conversation to drop hints that I would eventually need to get home and drop everyone off.
Eventually Nick picked up on them, or just ran out of steam, and Louis at least looked satisfied that he’d done something about the situation. When I dropped him off at home first, he’d waved at us and watched me pull back onto the road with a look of concern on his face. Nick and I spent most of the drive back to his house in silence – he seemed to have burned out most of his energy earlier.
He took his seatbelt off and turned to me. “Do you want to come in?”
Theoretically? Absolutely not. But I still felt like all of this could have been my fault. If I hadn’t let Eric goad me into going home with them that night, they might be completely fine. Hell, if I hadn’t drunk as if the world was going to end. If I hadn’t gotten tangled up in their weird relationship, maybe they’d even still be together.
Or not – but then it wouldn’t have been my fault or my business. And I wouldn’t be sitting in my car with a guy, giving me a look that I was fairly sure came with a bunch of intentions. Intentions that, the way I felt, I wasn’t entirely sure I could resist. Between my guilt and the fact that I still found him attractive, it seemed difficult to say no.
I cleared my throat. “I’m not sure that’s a good idea.”
“I’m not in the mood for good ideas.” He grabbed my collar and pulled me into a kiss. “Now, I’m going to ask you again. Do you want to come in?”
I didn’t say anything, I just looked into his eyes and nodded, and we headed inside. It was quiet in his house – no one seemed to be home. Instead of leading me up to the attic again, Nick took me into his room. It wasn’t quite the same wild, creative space as his studio, but there were still sketches all over his walls. He started kissing me while pulling me over to a bed with black sheets.
On the way there though, I saw a sketch he’d pinned to a corkboard on his wall. It was Eric. Unlike the naked painting upstairs, this was just one of his face. Nick had drawn him with a slightly vulnerable, hurt look. Just like the way he’d looked at me after I’d told him that I didn’t love him. I wondered what Nick would have said to bring that look out of him. To be so familiar with it that he could sketch it.
I pulled away from Nick. “I’m sorry. I just can’t do this.”
“What?” His eyes flashed darkly. “Why not?”
“I just don’t think it’s a good idea.” I shrugged, and took a step back.
He laughed, shaking his head, and then stepped forward and put his hands on my shoulders. His face moved in close to mine. “And when has that ever stopped you?”
I nearly winced at that, true as it was. That was pretty much my whole problem. I disentangled myself from his arms, pushing him off of me when he didn’t immediately let go. “Sorry.”
“So, what? You’re just leaving now?” He asked incredulously.
“I think that’s probably for the best.” I frowned.
“Fine.” He crossed his arms. “But tell me what happened between you and Eric.”
I cleared my throat. “We uh… fooled around a bit. That was allowed, right?”
“Sure.” He shrugged, pouting slightly. “Was that all?”
“More or less,” I said carefully.
“Did he let you fuck him?” The muscles of his jaw tightened.
I didn’t say anything. I didn’t have to.
“That bitch.” He laughed maniacally. “I knew it. He never let me do that, you know. Said he just didn’t like the idea in general. But of course the heroic fucking ex comes along, and boom. Nick who?”
“Sorry, I didn’t know.”
“No, you’re just so fucking innocent and doe-eyed, aren’t you?” His arms dropped to his sides, and his hands clenched into fists. “Everyone loves Jay, and I’m just the piece of shit that never deserved Eric.”
“No one said that.”
“Who cares if anyone said it out loud? Like I couldn’t tell exactly what Melissa and John and everyone thought of me.”
“I liked you.”
“Fuck off, you liar. You hated me.” He shook his head. “You hated me the worst, because you wanted him and I had him.”
“Where the hell is this coming from?” I was beginning to get angry.
“The worst part is that he wanted you. He wanted you so badly. He never stopped talking about you. I swear to god, one time I think he actually cried out your name while we were having sex. But I just ignored it, because I wanted him more than anything.” He tilted his chin up at me, a dark gleam in his eye. “And if I couldn’t have him, I could at least fuck things up for the two of you by getting in the way.”